Josh Taylor

In the spring of 2012, I was newly married, working as a full-time associate pastor, and enrolled in a full load of classes in my first graduate semester. Crippling panic attacks began to control my life. I had never heard of panic attacks, but they are debilitating. I remember some of the irrational thoughts that swirled in my mind. I was stuck in imagining the worst was going to happen, like getting food poisoning at a restaurant, getting into a car accident, or getting sick in the pulpit. I felt like my wife was my only safe person. If I went anywhere beyond home and work, she had to be by my side. I read and quoted Scripture, but my anxiety did not stop. I had thought and felt myself into a rut, and my body was past the point of a change of heart and mind immediately reversing the consequences.

It finally came to a head on a Sunday morning. My tightly-held composure finally gave way. I could not preach. My heart was beating out of my chest, and panic took over. I felt like I was losing control. Afraid of how the panic might distract the church during the worship service, I retreated to my office. There a friend and my senior pastor were waiting for me. I explained what was happening. My senior pastor stepped into the pulpit for me, sent me home, and suggested that I see a doctor. It became clear that significant life changes needed to be made. I needed to rest and pay attention to my mental health.

I visited my family physician for help. I told him that there must be something wrong with my heart. He strapped an EKG on me and showed me. There was nothing wrong with my heart. I was experiencing textbook definition panic attacks, symptomatic of generalized anxiety and panic disorder. Ongoing, unaddressed panic attacks often leave people with an anxiety disorder: stuck in a perpetual cycle of staying alert in case of further panic attacks, which induces more panic attacks.

My panic attacks were like a menacing shark dwelling in the ocean, waiting for the opportunity to strike. With prolonged stress, it rises from the depths. It creeps up, swimming just under the surface of the waters. Then, it breaches and wreaks havoc on its unsuspecting victim. Despite initially feeling powerless against this creature, I eventually realized that there were some things I could do to reduce the stress and return it to the depths.

My doctor prescribed two medications to treat my anxiety, each addressing a different issue. One medication was an SSRI, a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor. Serotonin is correlated to mental well-being. An SSRI blocks your brain from reabsorbing all the serotonin, leaving a reservoir of serotonin to maintain levels for future stress. The other medication was a minor tranquilizer to relieve panic attacks.

For some Christians, considering the role of medications for mental well-being poses a problem. Though I do not present the following as medical advice, I am persuaded that mental health is affected by both spiritual and physical factors. The relationship between mind and body is analogous to Mozart sitting behind an out-of-tune piano. No amount of talent can make up for an instrument that needs adjustment. Conversely, I could sit behind a brand-new baby grand piano, but its excellency will not make up for my lack of skill. Similarly, mental health issues can be caused by complex interactions between body and soul. A holistic approach that addresses both the physical brain and the spiritual mind is necessary for effective treatment and healing—an integration of spiritual practices rather than relying on psychological or physiological approaches alone.

The doctor forewarned me that I could experience some side effects through the first two to three weeks, and then it would ease up, and I would feel in control. Sleep was now possible. I feel like I slept for two weeks. One time, I came in from work, leaned forward into a recliner with my knees in the seat and my face in the back of the chair, and immediately fell asleep. Little by little, each good night’s rest restored balance until, eventually, something changed. One day, I felt like my old self. I could sense myself regaining control over my mental health. Anxiousness would pop up every now and then, but it was nothing compared to how it affected me.

Per the doctor, the medications were biding my time to address the sources of my long-term stress. Through professional help and much reflection, I identified some personal variables that probably precipitated my panic attacks and several coping mechanisms that have helped with my stress. In the fall of 2012, my doctor took me off one of my medications due to the progress he observed. Today, I am no longer on any medication. I believe the Lord used this experience to awaken a curiosity in me for researching how pastors and churches can address stress and burnout in ministry. This book is the result of that curiosity and research. Stress and burnout among pastors is an all too common reality. Empty preachers are filling pulpits. What can churches and pastors do to preach well?